unsure
It's 7 in the morning, the rest of the family still asleep. This is usually the time of the day I work on my side projects on the weekend. Usually, I wake up and have an idea what I want to do and just start working on that until the family is awake.
Today, I have no idea what to do. It's not that there is nothing to do, I have a lot of ideas on what I could work on, but there is this resistance in me that stops me from doing it.
It's not procrastination, I'm pretty sure. Over the years, I'm positive I've become quite good at identifying the feeling of procrastination. It rather feels like my brain is trying to tell me to stop for a while and look around. I've been moving forward on a lot of topics lately, and fast. Maybe I already know what to do and just need to discover it. Maybe it's time to slow down on and do some reading, maybe some writing.
This piece exists because I felt that there is something I should do, but I was not able to describe it. Usually, just writing helps to get there. It's funny, and I don't know how it works, but it works. There is something about writing that gets me into a state where the noise is tuned down and the important parts become clearer, the message my brain (or soul or whatever it is) is sending is actually understandable. I think it has been there all the time, but I need to sit down and translated it. Slow down enough to be able to fully understand the words.
Writing even this, which is probably not of much value to anybody except me, and only right now, felt right. When I stop writing, I still don't know what to do. I know that this morning is likely not for working on a project or programming. It is for something else. I'm not sure for what exactly. There is a lot of reading that I have put off lately. Maybe it's for that. I will start reading and notice then. Maybe it's for something else. Maybe it's also just for idling and thinking.
I like that I trust myself enough now to just go with whatever my subconscious thinks is right. One of the more valuable skills I developed. Funny how much of life is actually very wishy-washy.